A Modern Woman's Guide to Hysteria

a.k.a. How to Keep Track of Your Wandering Uterus

1. Find a reliable uterus sitter. Preferably not on Craigslist.

2. Set a curfew. Don't be afraid to discipline your uterus.

3. Schedule your uterus's travel plans, and set an organized and detailed itinerary.

Utourists are notorious for getting lost. Track their journey on Google Maps.

Utourists are notorious for getting lost. Track their journey on Google Maps.

4. Buy a disposable phone for your uterus to call and check in with you. Be careful as some uteri are known to abuse this privilege for drug drop-offs.

5. Buy a leash. The ASPCA recommends leather, with a length of around six feet.

These owners will be out all night looking for their uteri. Photo: Rich Anderson

These owners will be out all night looking for their uteri.

Photo: Rich Anderson

6. Invest in several uteri in case you lose one. A thrifty tip: buy in bulk at Costco to get a discount. Ask your friend if you can use their membership.

7. Leave a trail of vibrators wherever you go, so your uterus can find its way back to you.

8. Hire a private detective to tail your uterus and keep tabs on where it's been. This can be costly, but less embarrassing than your uterus ending up on the Maury Povich show.

9. Ask yourself honestly, "Have I been neglecting my uterus?" Invite your uterus to a craft beer tasting, thrift shopping, even rock-climbing. None of us likes to feel left out.

Always stretch before running after your uterus. Photo: Rob Boudon

Always stretch before running after your uterus.

Photo: Rob Boudon

10. MICROCHIP.

Bonus: Find the uterus.

answer: ǝnbɐǝן sıɥ ɟo ʇno ʎɐʍ ʎnb ʇɐɥʇ uo buıʇʇıɥ uɐɯ uǝʞunɹp ǝɥʇ puɐ ɹǝʇsıbǝɹ ɥsɐɔ ǝɥʇ uǝǝʍʇǝq

answer: ǝnbɐǝן sıɥ ɟo ʇno ʎɐʍ ʎnb ʇɐɥʇ uo buıʇʇıɥ uɐɯ uǝʞunɹp ǝɥʇ puɐ ɹǝʇsıbǝɹ ɥsɐɔ ǝɥʇ uǝǝʍʇǝq