a.k.a. How to Keep Track of Your Wandering Uterus
1. Find a reliable uterus sitter. Preferably not on Craigslist.
2. Set a curfew. Don't be afraid to discipline your uterus.
3. Schedule your uterus's travel plans, and set an organized and detailed itinerary.
4. Buy a disposable phone for your uterus to call and check in with you. Be careful as some uteri are known to abuse this privilege for drug drop-offs.
5. Buy a leash. The ASPCA recommends leather, with a length of around six feet.
6. Invest in several uteri in case you lose one. A thrifty tip: buy in bulk at Costco to get a discount. Ask your friend if you can use their membership.
7. Leave a trail of vibrators wherever you go, so your uterus can find its way back to you.
8. Hire a private detective to tail your uterus and keep tabs on where it's been. This can be costly, but less embarrassing than your uterus ending up on the Maury Povich show.
9. Ask yourself honestly, "Have I been neglecting my uterus?" Invite your uterus to a craft beer tasting, thrift shopping, even rock-climbing. None of us likes to feel left out.
Bonus: Find the uterus.